Running away to the Circus

I love to read. It is absolutely one of my favorite things to do. And as I read, I normally find something that inspires me. No matter if its a line, word, idea or even the cover.This weeks inspiring read is the Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

Look how lovely this cover is! How can you not want to create something, ANYTHING, from this

At first, I checked the book out from the library. I actually got half way through it before I had to go out and buy my very own.

Why did i have to buy my own? Why couldn't i just read the borrowed one and save myself fifteen dollars? Because I have gotten into the delightful and yet destructive habit of marking up my books. It started with highlighting my favorite parts in "The sky is everywhere". Now, Ive crossed over to  doodling in the margins, and even drawing a picture on half a page. I'm sure there are librarians somewhere who feel chills running down their spines with every mark i make.  I doodle ideas for painting, things that i imagine. Things that make me smile and that, to me, make perfect sense.

Ideas, descriptions, feelings, impressions. They are all in my doodling file to refer to at a later date.

So what was it about this book that got my creative juices flowing? It started off with a book and a tree. That's normally all it takes for me to be hooked. But the story is about these two people who become bonded before they even know each other. When, they are just children. And he knows who she is before she knows who he is. Am I making sense? Probably not.

One of my favorite parts where Marco is holding a design that Celia has made. All he knows is that she has done it. He can feel her on the pages and is a bit irritated and in awe that he could never capture the tree as beautifully as she did. That's the part when I bought the book. That's the part where I fell in love with the Night Circus.

The feelings of need and desire that come off of the pages are intoxicating. Even though these two people spend very little time together through out the book, its simple things that make their need for each other so mesmerizing. And you wish for more pages of them together. But then the book wouldn't have that feel to it.

Another one of these lovely tid bits of awesomeness is when Marco walks across a crowded party, grabs Celia and kisses her. The whole party stops and looks. He walks away and makes everyone forget except for her. It makes you want to be Celia. It makes you want the kind of love that you can feel in your toes. The kind of love that is fueled by destiny and passion and honestly a little bit of insanity. And don't we all want someone to love us insanely?

So, of course now I'm inspired. Not just inspired to paint something in the color scheme of the book, but inspired to find my own Night Circus. To run away and wear amazing gowns in black and white. To wonder through rooms that are made of clouds, ice and sand. To be bound to someone who can feel me in the things I create. Insert deep sigh here.

Here's to insanity, love and a circus that is only open at night. Create something beautiful today

My Red Balloon

I poured my love into a red balloon

To keep it safe and sound

I released it to the wind

And watched it float away

My heart was safer

Lost, than found

Then here to be punished with me each day.

 I moved about my life

Dealing with my troubles without strife

I began to wander

And what did I find,

My love never left, but became bound

What to expect when you're ordinary

Here's the thing, I'm ordinary. I'm totally okay with it.  My practical goal in life is to:

 live a long happy life

 never commit a crime or do time in jail

raise good kids

have a couple of grand kids

 be the ultimate grandma

 never be a fat old lady

feel loved and love

go on vacation (when you live in Alaska, its a goal)

and to never stop creating

Ive never been one for seeking out adventure. I wish I was but I'm not. Id love to be the kind of person who picked up random sports just because. But seriously, I'm kinda accident prone.

My determination and drive in life is low. Who has time to be uber productive. I'M still trying to finish folding laundry from two weeks ago.

And to look at me, I'm average in every way. Again, totally okay with it.

So whats the point of this blog? MY EXTRAORDINARY GOAL!

Some time last summer, i was in Safeway with a friend. I hate Safeway but that's another story that's really not that exciting. Behind us was someone I wanted to be.  Now, I don't know if anyone else does this. Your someplace and someone walks by and you think to yourself "man, id love to be that person in ten years". Well I do. Only a few people have managed to receive the honor of the future me. Even though I'm ordinary, I totally ROCK!

So what did she look like? I know your on pins and needles waiting with baited breath.

She was older, a bit taller. She had short brown hair. Way shorter than id ever wear mine. Earrings up both sides of her ears, but no pairs, just total randomness. She was tan, but it was natural, like she had been out in her garden, or maybe in a cottage by the ocean. She wore funky linen pants and a t shirt with a comfy sweater and leather sandals. Tattoos on her wrist and a mix of bracelets, leather and metal. She even had a couple of chunky rings. She looked completely and totally at ease. She was who she was meant to be. What makes her so special? Why do i want to be her? She fits into the me I secretly want to be. She fits into my retirement dream.

I don't know if i could actually call it a dream.  Maybe an idea or a mirage would work better. I want something that feels out of my grasp. Like saying you want a different shoe size. It cant happen.

Of course, I could start dressing like that ( I kinda do, but not as cool). Get my ears pierced alot and buy mismatched earrings. But that image is only a small part of this mirage.

In the bigger picture, my secret me lives someplace totally awesome. I want a wear house, firehouse, old church, or school. I want to renovate it with polished cement floors and colorful rugs. Knock down walls, and open it up. I want lots and lots windows that face some kind of water. Lake, river, ocean, stream. Don't care, it just needs water.  I want exposed bricks and a dum waiter. I want my favorite pieces of art on the wall. An old table with mismatched stained chairs, the smell of freshly baked cookies wafting out of my open kitchen (okay, that part isn't that hard). I see warmth and love and easiness. Red appliances. Maybe a chalkboard covered fridge. And i have to have an old time phone booth. What I'm going to do with it, I couldn't tell you. I just want one.  And the most important part is my room. In the back somewhere, surrounded by windows is the room where i create.

It will be a room that is completely white. Floor to ceiling. It will have a sink that I don't care about staining. And furniture that will be covered in paint splatters. Because I'm a messy painter. I will have a special place for all by brushes and paints. A book shelf for my sketchbooks and swipe files.  I will have canvas's lined up against a wall and covered with a drop cloth (because i cant get paint on them if they are waiting patiently to be used). Ill have my potters wheel in a corner. And I will have a door that leads out onto the balcony where I can paint in the sun and smell the air. Where I can feel the water and loose myself in the me that I truly long to be.

Of course, it could happen one day. I'm only 34. But right now, extraordinary will have to wait. The ordinary is here to stay for a while. But its nice to close my eyes and taste the salt air.

Here's to renovated buildings, tattoos and imagining the secret you. Here's to the future

I wish...

Okay, I hate complaining. I find it absolutely a waste of time and energy. Of course there is a proper way to complain. With a friend, over taco bell and in a matter where you use the word stupid ALOT, and its mainly for venting and fun. I cant stand it when people complain in forums like Face Book and blogs.  And, as a rule, I try to stay away from blogs that do it. But get ready. I'm about to break my own rule. 

This month, This stupid stupid month has me full of irritation that I just cant seem to shake. For starters, my norhtern lights painting looks like my four year old did it. Ive used so much paint to repeatedly cover the canvas, that the canvas is now misshapen. That sucker was expensive! 

I have a paint play list filled with songs that give me inspiration by the way they make me feel with their fantastic lyrics. I love every song on there. Sometimes I cant even listen to a song because the feeling is too strong. Almost a year ago, I knew the feelings and could see every single painting to go with them. My feelings have become so much of a part of me, that I cant even separate them any more. Does that even make sense? They are messy, jumbled. Sometimes they don't even feel like real feelings. They aren't crisp, more numb,  and that is irritating in its own way. 

All my paintings, seem to be happy. Bright colors that smear and swirl in a way that makes you feel the breeze. At least it does for me. Just once I wish I could paint the despair that lingers within me. Listen to those songs and soak myself in the loveliness of the written word and create something...messy. How life truly seems to be. At least for me. I want to look at a canvas, put on all the songs that make me feel everything deep within my gut, and loose myself. No thought about it, no plan. Just the canvas, me and my large brush. 

Ive always been into art. But i remember when the movie "Benny and Joon" came out. I remember watching that movie and knowing right then I wanted to paint. I watched Joon paint with the brush, and her hands, in her nightgown... She was a mess and absolutely lovely. Yes, I know she has mental problems and that is the main part of the movie. But don't we all have mental problems to some degree. Heart ache that makes us take a vacation within our own minds? Maybe that's why when I paint, I paint like Joon. I don't care what I'm wearing or if I have paint on my table... and I defiantly do. I just want to loose myself. But to do it with no plan, to have you hands in the paint and mix the colors on the canvas in large violent thick streaks of disaster and have it WORK! Lovely, absolutely lovely. 

Maybe I'm too guarded, too careful. But to be like Joon, and abandon yourself (with Jonny Depp) would be wonderful. Of course, my problems are good enough. I don't care to be as broken as Joon. 

So here is to taco bell, and calling things stupid, and great friends that listen to you rant, and true love with Jonny Depp and making grilled cheese sandwiches with an iron! Here is to all things wonderful in our lives, broken or not.

the problem with me....

Okay, so I don't really have one problem per say. Honestly I have loads of them. But lets try and focus on one for now.

Recently I took in all my new lovelies into Wasilla to a local boutique called Cherie's Closet. I was supposed to be the artist of the month for December. Being that I now live 6 hours from Wasilla, I had to take them in sooner than later. Six hour drive through snow, negative temps and crazy moose is not my idea of a fun road trip. So we get there and I'm informed that the owner will keep them up till January. .... for three months!! Amazing i know! (this is not the problem)

So far I've sold two!! Double amazing (still not the problem)

Cherie (the wonderful and amazing owner) called me the other day and wanted to know if I had any more stuff I could send down. (not really a problem) No i didn't have anything, but I could. Granted, after my two week painting marathon i was ready for a break. But if my stuff was in demand, I would gladly do more. Right?

Naturally, I'm a fast painter. I don't normally have patience to wait for the  paint to dry if I'm extremely inspired and feeling it. Plus, I'm a mom. Finding any time to do anything I want is limited. I felt extremely guilty about painting so much while i was trying to meet this deadline. My poor children. Many times they had paint spattered across their homework. Sorry kids :)  This still isn't "the" problem.

I began thinking of what to do next. My son has been bugging me to do something with the northern lights. I didn't want to because it was so" Alaskan artist".  Does that even make sense? I guess the word I'm looking for is "cliche". But i have an idea how to do it with this new style that I'm so crazy about. So whats the problem? Here it is. And its not a huge problem, as far as problems goes.  Just the one that currently has me trying not to break canvas.

I can see it in my head. I know how i want it to look and i know how to make it look that way. But its not working! And Ive used a very large tube of black paint to cover up my canvas....Ive covered it up about 4 times. Its driving me CRAZY! And of course if i took some art classes, it might solve my problem. But i don't  work that way.  I don't take art classes for the simple fact that i like to do things my own way and enjoy the process of just doing it. Its fun and relaxing. I love to put my paint playlist on and tune out everything except for the painting. I love the zen moment when i dont even think about it, and I create something amazing. There is no better feeling than stepping back from your painting and saying: "WoW, I did that!"

 So the stinking northern lights have me stumped. Its the kind of problem that has me awake at 4 a.m. going over the process in my head. What colors Id use first, the brush strokes, the patterns. Even the trees, I ponder over. And then I sit down and start. And after a few minutes im whipping out the balck paint and covering it up. So today, I purchased a XL jar of black paint. A girl has to be prepared, right?  I'm going to try it again. But this time try and slow down. One piece at a time, with a day in between... yeah right!  Lets see if that works.

Did i even explain a problem? Yes, I guess I did. I'm impatient and driving myself crazy with what I can do and what I don't do.... and i think what i should do. Hopefully in a few days, Ill have a new painting for you guys.

Until then, create something beatiful!