I wish...

Okay, I hate complaining. I find it absolutely a waste of time and energy. Of course there is a proper way to complain. With a friend, over taco bell and in a matter where you use the word stupid ALOT, and its mainly for venting and fun. I cant stand it when people complain in forums like Face Book and blogs.  And, as a rule, I try to stay away from blogs that do it. But get ready. I'm about to break my own rule. 

This month, This stupid stupid month has me full of irritation that I just cant seem to shake. For starters, my norhtern lights painting looks like my four year old did it. Ive used so much paint to repeatedly cover the canvas, that the canvas is now misshapen. That sucker was expensive! 

I have a paint play list filled with songs that give me inspiration by the way they make me feel with their fantastic lyrics. I love every song on there. Sometimes I cant even listen to a song because the feeling is too strong. Almost a year ago, I knew the feelings and could see every single painting to go with them. My feelings have become so much of a part of me, that I cant even separate them any more. Does that even make sense? They are messy, jumbled. Sometimes they don't even feel like real feelings. They aren't crisp, more numb,  and that is irritating in its own way. 

All my paintings, seem to be happy. Bright colors that smear and swirl in a way that makes you feel the breeze. At least it does for me. Just once I wish I could paint the despair that lingers within me. Listen to those songs and soak myself in the loveliness of the written word and create something...messy. How life truly seems to be. At least for me. I want to look at a canvas, put on all the songs that make me feel everything deep within my gut, and loose myself. No thought about it, no plan. Just the canvas, me and my large brush. 

Ive always been into art. But i remember when the movie "Benny and Joon" came out. I remember watching that movie and knowing right then I wanted to paint. I watched Joon paint with the brush, and her hands, in her nightgown... She was a mess and absolutely lovely. Yes, I know she has mental problems and that is the main part of the movie. But don't we all have mental problems to some degree. Heart ache that makes us take a vacation within our own minds? Maybe that's why when I paint, I paint like Joon. I don't care what I'm wearing or if I have paint on my table... and I defiantly do. I just want to loose myself. But to do it with no plan, to have you hands in the paint and mix the colors on the canvas in large violent thick streaks of disaster and have it WORK! Lovely, absolutely lovely. 

Maybe I'm too guarded, too careful. But to be like Joon, and abandon yourself (with Jonny Depp) would be wonderful. Of course, my problems are good enough. I don't care to be as broken as Joon. 

So here is to taco bell, and calling things stupid, and great friends that listen to you rant, and true love with Jonny Depp and making grilled cheese sandwiches with an iron! Here is to all things wonderful in our lives, broken or not.